For the past year, I havent felt as though I was existing whatsoever at all. I could not form thoughts or process anything for the most part nor could I make sense within myself and to anyone else either.
I am starting to focus and becoming creative once again, along with a whole new perspective on reality. I just am so glad to finally starting to actually live now, (after 30 years under control and all that absolutley horrific abuse and torture) it is so much more important than anyone truly even knows. I am just so grateful and happier now, this new start and relocation is already a game changer for everything. It is hard to be positive when you don’t even think you are real or alive, especially when you are really trying to process through the trauma and torture etc. I am just so glad I can THINK and put it to paper (or really to words, here).. shameful, self harming, drugging days are finally fading to the black and this world is just becoming full of color hope and it breaks me down because for so long I truly didnt even think I was alive i thought I was literally already dead and in hell or something like that if it makes any sense? Iwas raised from a baby in total reverse world of darkness of the elites and under control that was not of my own or by choice, life without the love and hope or the thinking power of my own is literally hell on earth, all I have been exposed to was repetitive abuse, torture, and torment. I know I have been writing an awful lot about things today but I dont want to stop. I love this , and I think I’m starting to actually like who I am and who I am becoming and this is a first for me. I turn 31 on July 13th, and it isnt easy to reprogram or ‘deprogram’ but it is POSSIBLE and it has already begun…. sorry for the extreme rant I just cannot hold it within.